Forever Waiting Read online

  “I have never been better,” I said, running my fingers through his brown hair. Zaine leaned over the side of the bed and I heard the rustling of a condom wrapper. My heart was pounding. I had waited for this moment between us and it was finally happening. Bringing himself up to look at me, he gently rubbed his thumb across my lips. “You are so beautiful. Landrey, I think I’m falling in love with you.”

  I froze, not knowing what to say. Love was a myth for me. I’d heard other people talk about being in love, but I had never experienced it the way others had. To me, it was a game that I never won. I wanted to love someone so much. I wanted to love Zaine. I knew I felt more than just lust for him, but love was something I never imagined I could feel. He was looking me in the eye and not only telling me what he was feeling, but showing me. Could I return the feeling? I wasn’t sure I knew how, but I had to try—I wanted to try.

  Without responding, I pulled him to me for a kiss. I rolled over on him so he was on his back. Zaine tried to take back control, but I needed to show him how I felt. I took the condom from his hand and slowly sheathed his erection. I straddled his body and took his generous cock in my hand, slowly directing it into my lovesick pussy. He arched his back with pleasure as I slowly, steadily moved my hips. I could feel raw and effortless emotion run through my body with every movement. Intertwining his hands with mine, I leaned down so he could take my nipple in his mouth. He flicked it with his tongue, and I started to climax again. Then he flipped me onto my back, saying “I can’t let you have control all the time. It’s my turn.” I smiled as he filled me. The movement was carnal and nothing I had ever experienced in my life. I could feel myself start to come undone. He was thrusting into me, and it took all I had not to scream. I clawed my nails down his back and bit his shoulder. I was coming to my climax, and I whimpered as he moved his hips with wanton motions. I could no longer hold back my cries of ecstasy. I called his name as the intensity of the moment consumed my body. He gave one final thrust and brought us over the edge together in the most exhilarating orgasm. Breathing hard, we looked into each other’s eyes.

  “I don’t know about you, but I think I want to do that again,” Zaine said as he rolled over next to me.

  “Me too,” I said. I paused, and looked over at him, and went on. “But you’re going to leave me soon, so I guess I we can just live in the moment.” Zaine pulled me close to him and kissed my forehead.

  “Don’t worry Lan, I’m going to make sure that this moment lasts for a while,” he said. I closed my eyes and prayed that it was true.

  I could hear the music jamming all the way down the street as I made my way to Zaine’s house the next day. It was just like any other Saturday night in this area around the college, and the locals usually joined in on the parties. Zaine lived in a big house in town with his fraternity brothers. It was an old Victorian, with a sweeping front porch that wrapped around the side of the house, and a huge weeping willow in the side yard. When I stepped up on the porch I could smell the weed and hear the chants of “Chug! Chug! Chug!” coming from inside the house. I walked in and glanced around the living room. The usual beer funnels and bongs were strewn around the place.

  “Landrey’s here,” I heard someone say from the kitchen. I wandered back to where everyone was gathered. I realized quickly that, once again, I was the only female at the house. I was just one of the guys to them.

  ”Where are your dates?“ I asked. “No one’s getting lucky tonight?”

  Tony looked at me and said, “Come on now, in the past three years you’ve known us, how many of us has had a girlfriend?”

  “You guys date sometimes,” I responded. “I was just wondering.”

  Tony shrugged. “There were chicks here earlier, but they got all mad because we didn’t have any wine coolers and smoked too much weed. We told them all to piss off.”

  “That’s really nice. No wonder you’re all still lonely.” I shook my head and grabbed a cup of beer, then went back outside to sit on the porch. I didn’t see Zaine and was wondering where he was, but I didn’t want to ask and seem as if I’d come just to see him. A few minutes later I heard the door open and he came strolling out in all his cuteness. Looking at him gave me chills.

  “Hey, why are you out here?” he asked.

  “I got very upset when I heard there weren’t going to be any wine coolers,” I joked.

  He smiled his gorgeous smile and sat down on the step next to me. I could smell him and I loved everything about his scent. When I turned to say something, he leaned in and gave me another hot kiss. This time it was slow and gentle. After a few moments I opened my eyes and looked at him.

  “You know, you need to stop doing that to me.”

  “Why should I hide the way I feel about you, Landrey?” he asked.

  “Because you’re leaving in two days and I won’t see you anymore, that’s why. I’m trying not to get attached to you,” I said.

  “After last night, I find that hard to believe.” He looked at me for a moment, then said, “Hold that thought.”

  I sat on the step, wondering and waiting until I heard him come back outside. He looked around to make sure we were alone; then, deciding we needed more privacy, he took my hand and led me around the side of the porch to a bench under the willow tree. He had an envelope in his hand and he gave it to me, saying “This is for you.” He watched me with those captivating blue eyes of his, and I looked at him with surprise. I opened the envelope and gasped. A first class plane ticket to Los Angeles! I stared up at him, confused, trying to figure out what this meant.

  He broke the silence, “Now before you say anything, just listen.” I felt jittery on the inside, as if my nerves were plugged into a high voltage electrical outlet. “Landrey, you are the only girl I have ever felt connected to like this. There is something about you I can’t walk away from. I talked to some of my dad’s friends, and I think I can get you some small modeling jobs In L. A. My family has a couple of houses, and we could live together in one of them. I can give you one of my cars too, so you would have your own transportation. I really want you to come live with me. I don’t want to be without you.”

  I couldn’t move, and just stared at him in wonder. I had never felt more vibrant and cared for by a man in my life. Zaine was everything I wanted, but my family was here. Besides, what would happen if I moved there and he found some Hollywood starlet that he liked better? Could I trust that he really cared about me for real?

  “Zaine, I don’t know what to say to you,” I said. “I really like you a lot—too much actually. But I don’t know if I could just get up and leave Blane’s and my family. California is a long way away from here.”

  He looked at me with so much hope in his eyes that it scared me. “Please, Landrey, just give it a chance… give us a chance. I have never felt anything so real in my life.” I looked at the ticket and back up at him, and the words just came out. “Okay Zaine, I’ll go with you.”

  He grabbed me excitedly, picked me up swung me around. Hugging me, he pressed me up against the weeping willow, and gave me a long, deep kiss. “Do you see what you do to me, Landrey? Trust me, I’ll make this move worthwhile.” We walked hand in hand back to the house and I leaned up and kissed his cheek.

  “You’re not leaving yet, are you?” he asked. “Don’t you want to come back inside with me?”

  “I really need to get back home and talk to my mother if this is really happening. I’m going to get going. Tell everyone that I’ll see them later.” He gave me another swift kiss and a hug.

  “I’ll see you Monday morning at the airport. Nine AM sharp!” he said.

  I smiled and replied, “I’ll be there.”

  Monday came. I had all my stuff packed and ready to go. I’d told my mother that I had a good chance to get my career back and told her I needed a fresh start. She was kind of freaked out, but she knew I’d been through a lot with Ryland and hadn’t ever really gotten back on my feet. Besides, she trusted me. I told Blane I woul
dn’t be back, and he took it pretty hard. I didn’t let anyone else know—I didn’t want to deal with the questions, or saying goodbye to the guys that I’d known for so long.

  As I waited for the taxi to take me to the airport, I started to panic. My old fears came back to haunt me. Ryland had gotten to me mentally, always telling me that I was not worthy of anything. Deep down I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I started to tell myself that this was all just a joke, that nothing this real, this amazing could be happening to me. I became sure that I would get to the airport and Zaine would tell me that I was a stupid girl, and that he didn’t mean what he had said. Suddenly, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go. I brought my bags and my insecurities back inside, and when the cab arrived I sent it away.

  For the rest of the day I lay in bed in a stupor, feeling half-dead. My mom was worried; she thought Zaine had done something to change my mind, something to hurt me. I couldn’t explain it to her, or even to myself. My negative self-talk flooded through me.

  I had never wanted to hurt Zaine, I just knew that it was all too good to be true for someone like me. He’d told me not to worry, that everything would be taken care of, and if I felt like I needed to come back I could. It sounded so easy. So why was I still here in the place that had held me captive for so long? So many questions were streaming through my head! The next day I gathered my bags and walked back out the door. I didn’t know where I was going, I knew I just had to go.

  “Landrey, did you get the pictures of the models I had sent over?”

  “Yes Johan, I did. Do you need them?”

  “No, just making sure they got here ok.” Johan said loudly from his office.

  I turned to Tayla, my friend and assistant, and muttered, “I’m making myself crazy with all this stuff this week. Fashion week is so outrageously stressful! I hate it!”

  We worked for Johan Piccini, an up-and-coming clothing designer, and he was a lunatic sometimes. He often said one thing then did another, and we were left scrambling to adjust all our hard work as a result. Even so, we were lucky to be working for him. The opportunity to live in the city and get a job with a big designer didn’t happen for many people, but it did for me.

  After I fled from Geneva eight years ago, I wound up in New York City, staying with an old friend who had gone there for school and never left. I got a job waitressing there, which was harder than you’d think—too many out-of-work actors and others who had dreams of making it big in the City. I caught my lucky break when Johan happened into the restaurant and sat in my section. When he asked me if I was a model, I assumed he was just using the old, tired line I’d heard so many times from pathetic guys, and when he offered me the chance to interview for an assistant’s position, I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him. Then he produced his business card, and I was sold.

  The next few years had been a blur, and all my hard work had paid off. I was now an associate fashion stylist, scouting out locations for photo shoots and fashion shows, selecting and setting up props, fashion, accessories, and even hiring models. I had my own assistant now—something I never would have thought possible back in the days when I was too afraid to reach for my dreams.

  I met Tayla when she placed an ad in the paper for a roommate. She was studying the business end of fashion, and she seemed like a perfect match for a roommate. Tayla was from a large, close-knit Dominican family and lived in the Bronx, and as much as she loved her family, she wanted her own place. We connected right away and had been good friends ever since, and when she decided to take time off from school for financial reasons, I helped her get a job with Johan. Tayla was one of the only people, other than my family, who knew my story. She knew about Ryland, and about my former life, but when I told her about not going to the airport for Zaine she looked at me like I was nuts. I’d had a lot of regrets since then but had made a conscious effort to not think too much about that day or Zaine, ever.

  Now Tayla commiserated with me with a knowing look. “You know what would help with that stress, Lan? Getting laid! You haven’t been with anyone in, like, five years, and you won’t buy a battery-operated boyfriend.”

  “Listen Tayla, I love you, but stop trying to get me laid! The last guy you tried to hook me up with was... let’s just say… not romantic at all.”

  “Hey, he took you out to that Mexican place,“ she smirked, trying to act sincere.

  “Taco Bell, Tay! You consider that authentic Mexican?” I answered, exasperated.

  “Well, it was the thought,” she shrugged, then laughed along with me, remembering how annoyed I’d been after that date.

  I tried to go on dates. I got asked out a lot, but I could never relate to anyone in a way that truly allowed me to have fun. So, once again, I just wrapped myself up in my work. Johan was keeping all of us busy getting his new line together. He’d just recently left a bigger design house to start his own brand, and was trying to launch his clothing in boutiques all over the U.S. He had an amazing eye and I knew his line would be a total hit—and I was glad that he’d take Tayla and me with him.

  “Landrey would you come in my office please?” Johan beckoned.

  “I’ll be there in a minute,” I replied.

  ”And bring your assistant Taylor with you.”

  “Johan, it’s Tayla.”

  “Oh yeah,” he said. I just rolled my eyes and pulled Tayla out of her little chair with her Starbucks in hand. Johan liked to pretend he didn’t bother with lower-level staff, but I was sure he knew exactly who Tayla was. She was a damn good assistant.

  “Come on Tay, we have to go talk to Johan,” I urged.

  “Why do I have to go? I’m just your bitch,” she snarked. Tayla had amazing talent, but sometimes she would get mad at me because I had a little more responsibility than her.

  “You work for him too. Now let’s go!” We walked into Johan’s office, where he was sitting in front of a mirror fixing his hair so it was just the right amount of messy. He had a smokeless cigarette in his hand, and he was dressed to the nines as usual.

  “Ladies, come in. I have some news for you,” he said.

  “Oh boy, news!” Tayla replied sarcastically. I gave her a warning glare and made her sit in a chair by Johan’s desk while I stood.

  “What’s the news, Johan?” I inquired.

  “As you know, I am launching my new clothing line and I have my first nibble from a retailer. I would like you two to go and handle everything with the boutique that’s interested. It’s going to take a little while to get going, so you’ll be gone a month or two, and while you’re there I would like you to arrange a fashion show as well.”

  I looked at Tayla and gave her a look that said, “This is it girl! This is our chance to make it big, to get known.”

  ”Wow that sounds amazing!” I tried not to gush. “We would love to help you out. Where are we going to be setting up shop?”

  Johan smiled and said, “Los Angeles.” I gave him a dumbfounded look and he asked, “Are you okay, Landrey?”

  I was speechless. Not only were we going to the second-largest fashion city in the U.S., we were going to the place where Zaine lived! I finally managed to force out a response. “Um, yeah, I’m fine. Where are we going to be staying?”

  “I have a condo in L. A. and you’ll stay there. I’ll arrange for a car and driver so you won’t have to worry about driving on those crazy roads. Think of it as a little vacay,” he said, and winked at me.

  “You think we’ll need two months for this? That’s a long time to be away from the office,” I said nervously. How could I get out of this trip?

  “You’ll stay as long as it takes to get the contract, and put on the show. So I guess that’s up to you, Miss Steele.”

  I looked over at Tayla, who was wearing the biggest smile I had ever seen. I immediately knew exactly what she was thinking. She could tell that my shock was less about the opportunity, and more about the chance that I might see Zaine again. I had to nip that in the bud
fast.

  On our cab ride home from the office that afternoon, I looked over at Tayla. “I don’t want to hear it, Tay,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said coyly.

  “Fuck you, Tayla! I know damn well what you’re thinking in that demented head of yours.” I had to be sure that she wasn’t planning anything devious in the name of “helping” me. The past was the past, and I wanted nothing less than to confront it now.

  “What’s the matter, Landrey? Are you afraid that a certain Blast from the Past will show up? Or maybe you’re just a tiny bit curious to see if the man you let slip through your fingers is as successful as you thought he was going to be?”

  “I am not going there to find my lost crush, Tay. We’re going there to set up a show and negotiate a contract with a boutique, not to play your match-maker game. So get that thought out of your head, now!”

  “Don’t you want to see, Landrey? Aren’t you at all curious to see what could have been?” Tayla’s taunting struck a nerve, and I was at a loss for words. I stared straight ahead and said nothing for the rest of the ride home. I didn’t realize that tears were welling up in my eyes until one rolled down my cheek, and I wiped it away quickly, hoping Tayla hadn’t noticed. I had always wondered what could have been, but I felt I had given up any right to know about Zaine’s life, so I had never looked him up to see how well he had done for himself. And I didn’t want to now, either.

  We pulled up to our building and I paid the taxi driver and waited for Tayla to get out of the car. We had a long night ahead of us; Johan had said he wanted us to leave in the morning. Our flight was already booked. We would be flying first class, so at least I could drown my nerves with some booze.

  In the apartment, Tayla avoided me as we packed. I felt bad—even though she had made me angry, I knew my crazy friend just wanted me to be happy. She had been with me for the last seven years and had seen the riffraff that were the guys in my life, and trust me, I had seen hers too. She always managed to be happy with a good book and her battery-operated boyfriend, so I just let her be herself and never tried to set her up. Why couldn’t she do the same for me?